I challenge you to make me laugh - NSFW

Discussion in 'Non-Pyro chat' started by longpod, Mar 31, 2011.

  1. dogsbody

    dogsbody Pro Firer/Crew

    Love it!
     
  2. Done Fettling

    Done Fettling Supports UKFR

    My thought for today......How the feck did Anne Frank go on for so long.
     
    Dayle Ward likes this.
  3. Done Fettling

    Done Fettling Supports UKFR

  4. RCT

    RCT Supports UKFR

     
    Dayle Ward likes this.
  5. My cat asked me if I'd like the radio left on when she goes out
     
    Dayle Ward, RCT and dogsbody like this.
  6. FB_IMG_1586429134089.jpg FB_IMG_1586531096708.jpg FB_IMG_1586350819899.jpg FB_IMG_1586531271126.jpg
     

    Attached Files:

    Pyro Pete likes this.
  7. scoops

    scoops Pro Firer/Crew

  8. Clarification of the lockdown rules:
    (unashamedly stolen)

    1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.

    2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.

    3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.

    4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.

    5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.

    6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

    7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.

    8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.

    9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.

    10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.

    11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

    12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).

    13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...it's a sort of lucky/unlucky dip.

    14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.

    15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.

    16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.

    17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.

    18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.

    19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

    20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

    21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.

    22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.

    23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.

    24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who aren’t counted, won’t or will be counted but maybe not.

    25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.

    26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.

    27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.

    Hope that makes things clearer for you? No? Well thems the rules!
     
    RCT, Deflagration and Da Main Mouse like this.
  9. MAN RULES

    AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

    WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
    NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

    THESE ARE OUR RULES!

    PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

    1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

    1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

    1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

    1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

    SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
    STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
    OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
    JUST SAY IT!

    1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

    1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

    1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

    1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

    1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

    1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
    IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

    1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

    1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

    1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
    PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

    1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

    1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

    1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

    1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

    1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

    1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

    1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

    1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

    PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...

    PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
     
    RocketRev, RCT and Da Main Mouse like this.
  10. RCT

    RCT Supports UKFR

     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
    Pyro Pete likes this.
  11. RCT

    RCT Supports UKFR

     
    Dayle Ward likes this.